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April 9, 2011

5

mommy liars

by diaperbaggage

tempted?

if another mom tells me how fast the first year flies by ONE MORE time i’m gonna… I’M GONNA…. i’m gonna smile sweetly as i always do and lie right back:

“I know! It seems like only yesterday they had that crusty thing attached to their belly buttons!”

then i fake a nostalgic frown, possibly add a whimper, and walk away.
i wonder if i’m becoming one of the ‘mommy liars’? maybe i’ve just learned its easier to agree with a mom rather than explaining to her how it doesn’t seem like only yesterday because there have been no yesterdays and there won’t be any tomorrows. that my life has been ONE LONG day since august 13th when the twins were born and now 8 months later i’m pretty convinced it’ll stay that way until the end of time.
after 32 weeks of sleep deprivation i admit i may be paranoid, but i’m starting to believe there is an evil group of mommy liars out there with two types of women as their victims: the not-yet-mothers and the new mothers. their goal for the not-yets is to convince them to join their  club of “damaged goods” with hopes of making all un-stretch-marked, un- csection- scarred women who have the luxury of getting in and out of a drugstore in less than 45 minutes extinct.
the second group  of targeted victims are the new moms. we are easy prey. every mother has a mommy liar in their life. their goal for the new moms is to make us fear we are inadequate and that there is something wrong with our babies.
i have fallen victim in both categories.
ive listened to their stories of only gaining 12 pounds during their pregnancies, never getting a stretch mark, having had so much energy while pregnant they could work full-time during the day as well as paint the nursery and carve the baby furniture at night. how seeing their baby for the first time completely erased the memory of labor pains and stretching vaginas. that their baby has been sleeping through the night since 7 minutes after they left the hospital, or that the cry-it-out method only took one night, or brag about the consistent nap schedule their babies are on which allows them three straight hours every day to do things for themselves. they shared with me their experience with feedings. how milk flowed from their breasts effortlessly from twenty minutes after delivery until their baby turned two. and how when the time came to switch to baby food every flavor was easily tolerated by their babies.
they also told me that their babies were rolling over, sitting up, crawling, walking and swimming the english channel a week or two out of the womb.
the mommy liars set biological clocks a ticking by showing you pictures of their adorably dressed, snuggly, squishy babies until you would hardly be human if you weren’t tempted to make one that very night.
i call these mommy liar tales ‘diaper bag delusions’.  i realize there must be parents who are telling the truth, that some or all of the above was true for their children, but to me they might as well be delusional fantasies as far-fetched as the one where i imagine i can find a diaper bag on this planet that makes me feel armed and fully prepared for an outing with twins.
Diaper Bag Confession:
while i admit i find the second-hand of the clock to be ticking forward at a snail’s pace, and my infants haven’t discovered the cure for cancer yet, they do smile bigger and brighter and laugh easier than anyone i’ve ever met. and that is all the validation i need to know that the three of us are doing something right.
5 Comments Post a comment
  1. Amanda
    Apr 9 2011

    I love reading your stuff as always.. keep the blog coming! Lauren you should write a book or be a journalist you’d be great at that!~

    Reply
  2. Apr 10 2011

    lol looking good laur :) <3 LUHH YUHH

    Reply
  3. Apr 10 2011

    LOOKING GOOD LAUR. LOVE YAH <3

    Reply
  4. Becky
    Apr 10 2011

    Lauren- you are hysterical, and you are so true. You really need to write a book or something…I swear you’d make millions.

    Reply

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